Ode to temper tantrums, Effy and art

Had to force myself to do art today... feel as if all life has been zapped out of me.  I know I bitch alot about being sick but it is what it is...I vent. I don't pretend. I don't wear fake masks. There are some days where I can absolutely find joy and love, rainbows and unicorns in the day. And then, here lately it seems often, I feel like the pain has chewed me , swallowed and spit me out. I envision myself this crumpled mess.

It has now been over two years since the doctors first diagnosed me with Crohn's...two years of people telling me I will wake up better, two years of people telling me to pray harder, eat healthier, laugh often, take more pills, take more vitamins, and the list goes on and on. Truthfully, I wonder if all the people telling me to do something to magically cure me is what has kept me from accepting I have a chronic disease. I imagine one day I will get there but for now... I am bitchy. Truly bitchy. In my true two year old self,I am throwing the epic tantrum of all tantrums.  I no longer wish to be sick. I want to be cured. At the very least, I want the doctors to listen to me, to help me with the excruciating pain that has become my life. Fuck it.

The one thing that has kept me from jumping off that bridge has been art. She saved my life ten years ago when Nora died and she continues to save my life now. Whether it be photography or mixed media, damn I am having fun. Watching this Book of Days come to life has been better than all the infusions, injections and horrible tasting pills. This actually works to lift my spirits.

I don't know if Effy, the wonderful, glittery soul that started Book of Days realizes how much she has helped each of us. Its like the universe just did its job, and put this amazing sisterhood together at a time when we all needed it the most. For that I am grateful. This Book of Days has helped me push through the pain and the depression and produce something that makes me smile.

And really, in the end, that is all that matters.