Sunday, September 27, 2009

Remembering....

When we first lost Nora, we had a difficult time with friends and family. Mostly, they really didn't get it. Not all of them, my mother was my rock and still is. My sister-in-law, my parents-in-law, my best friends...we were blessed to have them in our life. We still are as they continue to remember with us, to hold our hand.

As a family, we have grown in our grief. Nora has been integrated into our every day life and grief has become a friend. Sometimes grief visits for awhile, sometime we do not see grief for a long time. We have learned as a family that what we do is normal. No one has the right to judge us, not even family. This has been a very painful discovery as those who do not understand continue to judge and say hurtful things. Sometimes walking away is the only option as one cannot continue to be needlessly hurt. We still love those who hurt us but we need to live our life as we see fit. This year has been a turning point, albeit a painful one.

Through this painful discovery, we have met some incredible and thoughtful people who are more than willing to step in, to show love, to be our family. I work with some amazing coworkers who really get it. Some are a member of the "club", some just have open minds. We are blessed to live and work in Iowa City, an incredibly diverse area of Iowa that have such amazing people. The dead are not forgotten but simply remembered and honored in so many ways.

One of these amazing customs is from Mexico, Dia de los Muertos or Day of the Dead. I was fortunate to learn about this early on in my grief journey. Seven years ago, I explained this day to my living children and they were so excited. We put up an ofrenda and have never missed this celebration. The children are both in junior high and high school now. This holiday is celebrated both in their school, with their friends and in our community. My friend at work is going to Mexico to celebrate Day of the Dead with his best friend. It has been wonderful to share how each of us takes this day and remembers those who are no longer with us.

As I step back this year and watch the festivities, I am reminded of how far we have come. Seven years ago when we put up our first ofrenda, we were very broken , we were afraid to share the holiday for fear of family ridiculing. Now, we aren't afraid. Our family has changed, and grown with the addition of friends who accept us and love us and celebrate with us.

This Day of the Dead will be a celebration as we completely immerse ourselves in the culture. Sugar Skulls will be made, the ofrenda will be bigger and more beautiful as we celebrate and remember those who are no longer with us. We will remember Nora, our daugher, who died in 2001. We will remember the twins we lost and the littlest angel we lost in 1996. We will remember all the babies lost to stillbirth, miscarriage, or infant death. We will remember my loving grandmother who died in 2007, my husbands grandparents and aunts and uncles. We will remember all of our grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends.. we will remember everyone as we celebrate Dia de los Muertos.