Photo truths

It just takes a single photo challenge to remind a person how chronically ill they are. This week, I have been seeing everyone share and challenge each other to take photos of every day life, with no people or explanation. I love anything that is a photo challenge and gladly started. Took a picture of the coffee table in front of me. Next day, took a photo of my puppy sitting on my leg. Next day took a picture of the pillow that I was laying down on. 

Next day, as I still was unable to move very much, I took a picture of the curtains behind me. And then it hit me, this is my life. Each photo I took showed a facet of my life being disabled.  This photo challenge illuminated the life that I live when I am in a severe flare. I have been unable to do much for a month now. The chronic pain in my joints from crohn's arthritis and fibro have made it impossible to move. The pain itself has made it impossible to think coherently. I have felt like I am in this constant webbing that I am forever trying to pull off just so that I can see clearly. The pain in my body makes me move like the tin man from The Wizard of Oz, only there is no wizard that will give me pain free movement.

It's during these days where I find it damn near impossible to be creative. However, when the days become weeks and the weeks become months I start hungering for different ways to spark some creativity. In the end, I am glad I decided to do the photo challenge, even if it did highlight a hard truth of my chronically ill life.

Tick tock goes the clock.

“Time is a created thing. To say 'I don't have time,' is like saying, 'I don't want to.”
― Lao Tzu

Oh how true this is. I could sit here and give you a thousand excuses as to why this blog has not been updated since 2015, but the truth is I didn't want to. I felt no pull to work on this blog. Yet, I have missed writing because writing provides me a sort of respite.

I graduated from college at the end of 2015. Balancing a chronic illness with going back to college at the age of too damn old was no small feat. Truly, I felt exhausted. I disconnected from doing much of anything except focusing on my chronic illness. I entered into a terrible, no good flare in both the crohn's disease, arthralgias and the fibromyalgia. I found that I am now having heart issues, uncontrolled diabetes, degenerative foot issues that make walking one hell of an adventure, and I am also showing signs of borderline kidney disease. Phewww. Even typing this was tiring. Fatigue is a daily occurrence. I am finding that I am dragging myself through each day. There are days where I go from the bed to the sofa, and back to bed. On the rare days I am able to get out, I soak up the sun to only find there is a heavy price to be paid for having a rare good day. A price I am more than happy to pay for just a moment in the sun.

In my fantasy world, I would graduate from college and suddenly a miracle would occur. I would become healthy or at the very least stabilized and I would be able to go back to work. This didn't happen. In the back of my mind, this tiny fantasy still exists. I want to go back to work and be a champion for social justice issues. Where did I put that magic wand?

But until that magical day, time can be used differently and creatively for social justice while tending to my health. I do in fact have time, lots of it. The first step is to go back to blogging my chronic adventures. I would like to engage more with my camera and my art supplies. I need to finish projects that I have started. I am working on becoming certified as a creative grief practitioner, and collaborating with a dear friend on a project that is close to both of our hearts.

Tick tock goes the clock.