Friday, March 26, 2010

Sacred Space

Finding my safe space, my sacred space. My safe space is the space in and surrounding my home. My sunroom provides me with warmth and a beautiful view of our chickens and the birds that come and visit. Artwork, dancing, reading and just hanging with the kids is what usually is happening in the sunroom. My yard provides me plenty of space to walk and just be, though usually Ellie is just being as well..as you can see. My gardens provide me a way to work through issues demanding labor. And there is a landing in my house that always has the afternoon sun, perfect for reading and just being. This is my safe space.

Finding Permissions






Taking a class with Mother Henna~Defining Permission, Giving myself permission to move through this latest health crisis, and mom leaving. Giving myself permission to find a new job, pursue a new dream. Giving myself permission to be pissed off, to be angry, to be hurt, to be happy , to be crazy, to dance like there's no tomorrow. Giving myself permission to just be who I am in the moment and nothing more. Giving myself permission to mess up my own artwork and make it into something completely different. Giving myself permission to just sit and breath.

Rendezvouz and I am through with you....

So far this year has not been any better than last year. I would almost venture to say it has been worse. Our family sat there on New Year's Eve with promises abounding of a great and wonderful year, and than I got sick. Not a cold or the flu, but a sickness that has me homebound..after way too many tests , doctor visits and countless trips to the hospital I have discovered that I have Crohn's.
Through all of the medical adventure, I had little emotional side trips.

~My job protected leave is coming to an end which is actually a blessing. This disease has reminded me to do what I want to do, life is far too short to do anything less.

~My mom has decided to pack up and move back to Pennsylvania which has been heartwrenching for everyone, especially Abby.. her grandmother was her best friend. There were tea parties, sleepovers, sewing sessions, craft time and the infamous ping pong. Abby is lost. My mom is choosing to go back to being alone. She does not have any family there. As a family, we tend to process . We learned this when Nora died. So we have been talking, screaming, talking, shouting, crying and just trying to sort through. We aren't there yet. We have a long way to go. This hurts and selfishly we thought when she moved out here a year and a half ago that she would stay... she would just live out the rest of her life here in Iowa. But she hated it. I don't know why. I thought everything was amazing, sharing holidays with her, gardening with her, sharing our life with her. The winter in Iowa brought her a loneliness from within that only she can fix. Sometimes I think she wants to be alone. She finds it very difficult to be a part of a family. So I need to let her go..Unfortunately her timing and leaving in a secretive manner did nothing to help my current health.

I have to find my way through this.. help the kids to understand and just move forward.