Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Lights out, Art on

So much has happened and this week has been crazy. I am trying to figure out how to coexist with many people in my life, with situations that keep happening, with my grief, with my disease and with stressors that just keep jumping in.

My son is graduation this week and all hell has broken loose. Then the  power company knocked on the door informing me that the power would be out for a little while and the entire next day. Of course, my inside voice was screaming so loudly that I can't believe he didn't hear it. I kept worrying, worrying over so much.

Then I took a deep breath. The next day, as promised, the power was out bright and early. Since I have been disabled for almost two years now, I tend to watch so much tv. I sat on the sofa and just stared. That wasn't fun.  I picked up a book and started reading but it wasn't satisfying me. I got my walker and started pacing around the house.

Ended up in the art room....my inner art freak escaped and it was okay. I finished art swaps that I was working on, a canvas for my daughter, started a canvas for a fundraiser, worked on my Book of Days journal, made some painted papers and sketched some faces for my 29 day face challenge. By the end of the day, I was stained in ink and paints. I realized part way through the day that no power meant no water so my hands had no hope. But it was okay and I loved it. I just sat and did art all day mixed with resting and it was incredible.



Friday, May 4, 2012

Stopping to breathe

Been able to go back to arting which brings allows me to breathe and just take in the moment, the colors.


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Just tears.

I seem to be short on people in my life who truly get it. Right now I am reaching out but doors are being slammed because they just don't get it. I need someone to get it.

My first born is graduating next week. Truly, this is a happy, momentous occasion but yet I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I reach out to friends but all I hear in return is that I should be happy. I am happy. I am proud. But I ache.

Next week, on Mother's Day, I will celebrate my first born's graduation from high school. I will celebrate his going to college and moving on to the next phase of his life. I will celebrate I am a mother of 6 beautiful children. I will also mourn that I only  have two children to wrap my arms around. I will mourn that Nora will never see her graduation. 

I tire of those who tell me to just push those feelings aside because it is my son's day.  A mother cannot push her feelings aside, even my son knows this. I will do my best to be brave and put on a smile but I will hurt. I may even cry.

I am crying now.