Crohn's drug cocktails all around...

Today's altered book page focuses on the ridiculous amount of drug cocktails and their awesome side effects. I have been on no less than 23 different prescriptions this year alone. 23. That number alone makes me even sicker. I have sat through numerous doctor visits and drug consultations because of the side effects. I have been hospitalized twice because of a drug that gave me pancreatitis. The latest drug has given me diabetes, could give me kidney and liver failure, has made my face swell to a pillsbury dough boy shape, has given me a mysterious red dots, and has made my hair go running from my head. Any infection I get could lead to sepsis. Really I can't help but think WTF?

Stuck in hell

I have to say...if I were to sum up this year, my 40th year on this earth, it would be in one word, HELL. I have had some bad years.. the year Nora died is at the top but this year... I have been sick since January. I have had more tests, more doctors appointments, more hospital visits, blood tests than ever in my life. I have come to the conclusion that this year sucks. I keep looking for an out but I am not finding one. I have come to accept that I have Crohn's. I accept that I have a disease but what I don't accept is the lack of control of the disease. I am not understanding why the doctors cannot get a handle on this damn disease. And to add insult to injury, the medications they give me are inspiring other diseases to come to fruition. Its like a damn disease party in my body. Why not? Crohn's is all alone, so its decided to invite Diabetes, Mysterious Rash and Pancreatitis. Now they are just having the time of their life while ruining mine.

Something has got to change, right?

To celebrate the party of hell in my body, I decided to dedicate an altered book to Crohn's and its many facets. First pic posted is the disease party, second pic is the first pic digitally altered to represent how my life with crohn's feels.... pretty messed up.

One moment

One moment

a beautiful night in front of the fire

a day of enjoying the sun and gardens

dancing with your son to Strawberry Fields

dancing with your daughter to the music in our head

painting toenails

loving your precious Ellie ... the best lab ever

a quiet table with your hubby, enjoying a cup of coffee

sunday morning with the smell of flowers wafting through the house

Moments in time ....trying to remind myself that there are good moments and to take the time to breathe them in.

Altered book journey for Nora's birthday

I decided to try something different this year and apply the heART techniques I have learned to the grief journey..I find myself struggling every year as we approach Nora's birthday. It starts with Easter which was the baby shower we had for her and ends on June 18, the day I finally got to meet my angel. It was suggested that I do something to mark the passages of this journey so I decided to do an altered book. I never realized that altering books could be so liberating, a way of changing what was once never to be changed.

There was a time in the past that I was afraid of this time of year but now I find myself embracing it, like a dear old friend. I know it will come every year and I hope that from now on I will be able to just greet it and spend time with it. The altered book has allowed me to do just that. I find myself moved to alter pages, to take my feelings and put them on paper, to be as dark or as light as I feel in the moment.

Wishcasting

From this weeks permission class with MotherHenna~I thoroughly enjoyed this weeks class..loved the meditation.. loved the marbles.. loved the wishcasting.. Loved the idea that instead of saying no.. being curious.. see what happens...

Art therapy

Life has been a bit bumpy lately. Trying to give myself permission to just feel, to just be. I admit, its a work in progress. Today, after watching a video from MotherHenna, I decided to open my art journal and just relax. Using acrylic paints, recycled cardboard advertisement, glitter hairspray, a toothbrush, mod podge for adhesive and pages from an altered book project~I just went into my safe space and enjoyed the process.

Sacred Space

Finding my safe space, my sacred space. My safe space is the space in and surrounding my home. My sunroom provides me with warmth and a beautiful view of our chickens and the birds that come and visit. Artwork, dancing, reading and just hanging with the kids is what usually is happening in the sunroom. My yard provides me plenty of space to walk and just be, though usually Ellie is just being as well..as you can see. My gardens provide me a way to work through issues demanding labor. And there is a landing in my house that always has the afternoon sun, perfect for reading and just being. This is my safe space.

Finding Permissions

Taking a class with Mother Henna~Defining Permission, Giving myself permission to move through this latest health crisis, and mom leaving. Giving myself permission to find a new job, pursue a new dream. Giving myself permission to be pissed off, to be angry, to be hurt, to be happy , to be crazy, to dance like there's no tomorrow. Giving myself permission to just be who I am in the moment and nothing more. Giving myself permission to mess up my own artwork and make it into something completely different. Giving myself permission to just sit and breath.

Rendezvouz and I am through with you....

So far this year has not been any better than last year. I would almost venture to say it has been worse. Our family sat there on New Year's Eve with promises abounding of a great and wonderful year, and than I got sick. Not a cold or the flu, but a sickness that has me homebound..after way too many tests , doctor visits and countless trips to the hospital I have discovered that I have Crohn's.
Through all of the medical adventure, I had little emotional side trips.

~My job protected leave is coming to an end which is actually a blessing. This disease has reminded me to do what I want to do, life is far too short to do anything less.

~My mom has decided to pack up and move back to Pennsylvania which has been heartwrenching for everyone, especially Abby.. her grandmother was her best friend. There were tea parties, sleepovers, sewing sessions, craft time and the infamous ping pong. Abby is lost. My mom is choosing to go back to being alone. She does not have any family there. As a family, we tend to process . We learned this when Nora died. So we have been talking, screaming, talking, shouting, crying and just trying to sort through. We aren't there yet. We have a long way to go. This hurts and selfishly we thought when she moved out here a year and a half ago that she would stay... she would just live out the rest of her life here in Iowa. But she hated it. I don't know why. I thought everything was amazing, sharing holidays with her, gardening with her, sharing our life with her. The winter in Iowa brought her a loneliness from within that only she can fix. Sometimes I think she wants to be alone. She finds it very difficult to be a part of a family. So I need to let her go..Unfortunately her timing and leaving in a secretive manner did nothing to help my current health.

I have to find my way through this.. help the kids to understand and just move forward.

40 years....

Forty years.. somehow when I was young, I thought turning the big 4-0 would be different but it really wasn't. Still battling a demon that has gotten hold of me and making me sick, thus I am stuck at home. Decided that art was needed today.. did several pastel drawings and than did a background piece that somehow took on a life of its own.
Wanted to share. Enjoy.

Scribbles of Life

Recently, Mother Henna had a post on her blog about scribbling to self assess. It was the perfect time to start this exercise. I have been sick for almost two weeks now and really felt the need to do this. I sat down with my sketchbook and a charcoal pencil and closed my eyes. Just felt the paper and the pencil. At first there was so much anger flowing through my hand but as time moved on, I could feel my hand slowing down and moving to a slow rhythm. At some point , I felt done so I opened my eyes; tore the piece of paper out and turned it, twisted it and saw several shapes jump out of me. I took my color pastels and outlined three distinct shapes, the equilateral cross which is the symbol of our church, the heart , and the loop which looks like an 8. After , I took lots of different color pastels and just followed the lines. For a moment I was lost in the colors and the movement. I softened the colors , scanned it and then digitally enhanced the photo and the above is the result.
For me, this assessment revealed several things. The equilateral cross seems to be the most vivid which for me reveals that I am getting back to where I need to be spiritually, and possibly need to trust my faith more when it comes to my health. The loop represents the constant struggle.. I think its shows the good and bad side of my health and how I just keep going round and round. The heart is the love I have and the love I receive from others. When I digitally enhanced it, it turned into a rainbow of beautiful colors which reminds me of Nora.
I look forward to repeating this exercise tomorrow to see what the scribbling reveals.