3 days and it hurts.

It has surprised me how grief has reared its ugly head once again as we prepare to send our daughter off to college. This hurts...it hurts bad. No one ever told me how much this was going to hurt. For 17 years, I have raised her and loved her and always knew where she was and in three days, it just ends. She will be starting her new life in Colorado. It will be an exciting journey, filled with new possibilities. But as a mom, I am at a loss as to what this means. I am grieving the ending of a long chapter and I have no idea yet how this next chapter will go. It has yet to be written.

This I know- I am going to miss her. I am going to miss her so deeply. Abby came into our lives and was a miracle. After losing three children to miscarriage, Abby was the one we were not sure we would be able to keep. She was the happiest baby I have ever seen. She brought much laughter into our lives. As parents, we could not be prouder of her. She has worked so hard and has earned this amazing opportunity.

Yet, how proud I am does not change how much I am going to miss her, or how sad it makes me that she is going so far away to college. Just like after Nora died, people are saying things that just don't make sense, nor validate me. Things like "you'll be fine" "be proud" "give her wings" "you raised her right, let her go" "don't cry in front of her" "look how clean your house will be" "now you have time for you" All of which leaves me wanting to scream, not feel supported, and wanting to hide away from everyone. Why must we as a society try to hide our feelings and cover up how we feel?  This makes zero sense.

Abby knows I am crying. She knows how much we will miss her. I am not going to hide my tears so Abby doesn't see. Abby also knows how incredibly proud we are. Being sad she is leaving is normal. I know I raised her right, and gave her "wings" but that doesn't make this any easier. She will be far away. I will not be able to hug her for a couple of months. Having her in my house for 17 years, and then suddenly not having her here to hug is odd and feels awful. This sucks. There is no delicate way to put it. This really sucks.

Moving her will suck. Her empty bedroom. Her empty bed. Not hearing her sing every song on the radio. Not hearing her slam upstairs because she is angry. Not seeing her hug her puppies so tightly they want to run away.  Not seeing her with her chickens. Not being able to hug her. Not hearing about her day. Not going shopping for homecoming or prom dresses. Always having Abby around to not having Abby around at all is going to be hard.

Yes, I will figure it out, but I don't need to be told that. Yes, she needs to be independent and this is a necessary step, still doesn't make it any easier. What I need is a hug, or a kind word. I need to someone to just listen and allow me to cry and be sad.

And for those of you with young children, hold on tight. Childhood goes fast, faster than you can even imagine. And then you are moving your child across country to a new place, with new faces. And it sucks. You will never hear me say differently. This part of parenthood makes you long for the temper tantrums and the slamming doors. As proud as you are of your child, this part definitely hurts. and I am refuse to pretend otherwise.

This hurts and I am crying.

Isolated in the midst of constant connections

On the heels of being sick, I discovered how isolated I am. As a society, we have come to rely on the posting of woes on social media and the expectation of people commenting and liking. Gone are the days of people checking in on other people. Gone are the days of bringing chicken soup to a neighbor, or even picking up the phone to remind someone they are loved. Though I am sure it is far from the truth, it certainly feels as if it is a much more lonely world. 

My latest flare had me severely sick and unable to leave the house. I did not care to post on Facebook and just stayed in bed, binge watching television with my daughter. I really do not feel as if anyone missed me or cared. No one called. No one emailed. Though extremely selfish, I guess I felt that no one really cared, or even realized I was not on any social media. After two weeks of being sick and hearing crickets, I made a decision. I deactivated my Facebook account. 

It has been weird to leave Facebook. My daughter and son questioned me on how I will survive without obtaining the news and memes, and latest viral videos. My daughter asked how I will stay in touch with people. I find it odd that Facebook almost seems like a life requirement. Admittedly, in the last year, my Facebook has felt less like a joy, and more like a place filled with hate, racism, bashing, and mocking. I am not sure I am missing it all that much.

I am not sure how life will be without the ability to connect so easily. Friendships will more than likely be lost. I am not sure why I am not reaching out. I guess I want people to miss me which is entirely selfish. Maybe with all this free time, I need to reevaluate myself. And that is okay.

Mother Henna Heart Swap

It is once again time for another beautiful heArt swap with Mother Henna. Life has been a little crazy for me and my family, so I opted to go the photography route. One of my loves (besides my incredible hubby, three children, two dogs, one turtle, and  5 chickens) is taking photos of Mother Nature. I find myself always in awe of her beautiful gifts. This photograph is of a bleeding heart that was just perfect for capturing. I applied some artistic editing and really love the finished product. 

From my heArt to yours...

Reconnecting

I recently completed a heart swap through Mother Henna and wanted to come on here to share. When I pulled up the blog, I saw the date of May 2012, I was in shock. When did it become 2014??

So many things have happened since May. Life has moved quickly along and I have missed a few beats. I do not do art as much as I would like to. I realize this needs to change. I need to make time to be creative...to throw paint on a canvas...to photograph Mother Nature's beautiful canvas...I need art. Art gives me purpose. It gives me an outlet for expression. 

As February quickly pushes January out of the way, I need to reconnect with the canvas and the camera. 

Lights out, Art on

So much has happened and this week has been crazy. I am trying to figure out how to coexist with many people in my life, with situations that keep happening, with my grief, with my disease and with stressors that just keep jumping in.

My son is graduation this week and all hell has broken loose. Then the  power company knocked on the door informing me that the power would be out for a little while and the entire next day. Of course, my inside voice was screaming so loudly that I can't believe he didn't hear it. I kept worrying, worrying over so much.

Then I took a deep breath. The next day, as promised, the power was out bright and early. Since I have been disabled for almost two years now, I tend to watch so much tv. I sat on the sofa and just stared. That wasn't fun.  I picked up a book and started reading but it wasn't satisfying me. I got my walker and started pacing around the house.

Ended up in the art room....my inner art freak escaped and it was okay. I finished art swaps that I was working on, a canvas for my daughter, started a canvas for a fundraiser, worked on my Book of Days journal, made some painted papers and sketched some faces for my 29 day face challenge. By the end of the day, I was stained in ink and paints. I realized part way through the day that no power meant no water so my hands had no hope. But it was okay and I loved it. I just sat and did art all day mixed with resting and it was incredible.

Stopping to breathe

Been able to go back to arting which brings allows me to breathe and just take in the moment, the colors.

Just tears.

I seem to be short on people in my life who truly get it. Right now I am reaching out but doors are being slammed because they just don't get it. I need someone to get it.

My first born is graduating next week. Truly, this is a happy, momentous occasion but yet I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I reach out to friends but all I hear in return is that I should be happy. I am happy. I am proud. But I ache.

Next week, on Mother's Day, I will celebrate my first born's graduation from high school. I will celebrate his going to college and moving on to the next phase of his life. I will celebrate I am a mother of 6 beautiful children. I will also mourn that I only  have two children to wrap my arms around. I will mourn that Nora will never see her graduation. 

I tire of those who tell me to just push those feelings aside because it is my son's day.  A mother cannot push her feelings aside, even my son knows this. I will do my best to be brave and put on a smile but I will hurt. I may even cry.

I am crying now.