3 days and it hurts.

It has surprised me how grief has reared its ugly head once again as we prepare to send our daughter off to college. This hurts...it hurts bad. No one ever told me how much this was going to hurt. For 17 years, I have raised her and loved her and always knew where she was and in three days, it just ends. She will be starting her new life in Colorado. It will be an exciting journey, filled with new possibilities. But as a mom, I am at a loss as to what this means. I am grieving the ending of a long chapter and I have no idea yet how this next chapter will go. It has yet to be written.

This I know- I am going to miss her. I am going to miss her so deeply. Abby came into our lives and was a miracle. After losing three children to miscarriage, Abby was the one we were not sure we would be able to keep. She was the happiest baby I have ever seen. She brought much laughter into our lives. As parents, we could not be prouder of her. She has worked so hard and has earned this amazing opportunity.

Yet, how proud I am does not change how much I am going to miss her, or how sad it makes me that she is going so far away to college. Just like after Nora died, people are saying things that just don't make sense, nor validate me. Things like "you'll be fine" "be proud" "give her wings" "you raised her right, let her go" "don't cry in front of her" "look how clean your house will be" "now you have time for you" All of which leaves me wanting to scream, not feel supported, and wanting to hide away from everyone. Why must we as a society try to hide our feelings and cover up how we feel?  This makes zero sense.

Abby knows I am crying. She knows how much we will miss her. I am not going to hide my tears so Abby doesn't see. Abby also knows how incredibly proud we are. Being sad she is leaving is normal. I know I raised her right, and gave her "wings" but that doesn't make this any easier. She will be far away. I will not be able to hug her for a couple of months. Having her in my house for 17 years, and then suddenly not having her here to hug is odd and feels awful. This sucks. There is no delicate way to put it. This really sucks.

Moving her will suck. Her empty bedroom. Her empty bed. Not hearing her sing every song on the radio. Not hearing her slam upstairs because she is angry. Not seeing her hug her puppies so tightly they want to run away.  Not seeing her with her chickens. Not being able to hug her. Not hearing about her day. Not going shopping for homecoming or prom dresses. Always having Abby around to not having Abby around at all is going to be hard.

Yes, I will figure it out, but I don't need to be told that. Yes, she needs to be independent and this is a necessary step, still doesn't make it any easier. What I need is a hug, or a kind word. I need to someone to just listen and allow me to cry and be sad.

And for those of you with young children, hold on tight. Childhood goes fast, faster than you can even imagine. And then you are moving your child across country to a new place, with new faces. And it sucks. You will never hear me say differently. This part of parenthood makes you long for the temper tantrums and the slamming doors. As proud as you are of your child, this part definitely hurts. and I am refuse to pretend otherwise.

This hurts and I am crying.