As I was compiling the pages to update, it occurred to me that my most recent work involved love and forgiveness completely by chance. When I work on my Book of Days, it is a process. I work by feeling, the colors are chosen by feeling and nothing more. It has become my most valuable meditative tool.
The top spread was done on a good day. I felt good. I felt alive. I was embracing my new self and enjoying arting. My whole HeART was poured into that page. It makes me feel so joyful seeing it.
I wasn't able to do art for a number of days after that spread but that was okay. I am learning to accept what I can and cannot do. I know I cannot do art every day. Some days art might just consist of the way I wrap the blanket around me or the music I choose to listen to.
As I moved through the weekend, something shifted. The universe started pushing me towards memories and sadness. My father, who I am estranged from, started occupying my mind. As hard as I tried to push these feelings back in their box, they pushed equally hard to get out. By Sunday, I had been able to sit with them but not confront them. During the sermon, forgiveness was mentioned. The gentleman giving the sermon started talking about his estranged father. I was completely blown away and my heart started shaking. Later , this same person wrapped his arm around me and asked me if I needed to forgive someone. Tears started flowing as I shared my story. He told me that I need to forgive and I told him I couldn't do it. I promised to work on it.
Monday rolled around and I was unable to do art again. Spent the day curled up in a blanket watching art videos. As I turned on Effy's Book of Days video, I sat back and was immersed in the art she was beautifully doing. As she approached Friday's spread, the tone became serious and Effy started talking about forgiveness. Seriously universe.... I get it. I watched Effy... I cried.. I cried so hard that my body was shaking. She was so loving , raw and honest. She made me realize its time.
I printed out forgiveness quotes and decided that I am going to art around forgiveness. I am going to be mindful of those I need to forgive, those who hurt me deeply after Nora died, those who hurt my children. Just as I have worked with grief throughout the years, I am going to work with forgiveness. I am going to sit with it, sit with the feelings.
I am not sure how this will work but I do know this. I have been carrying this around for way too long and it hasn't helped me, it hasn't made me a better person. In order to love fully, I must forgive fully. Love equals forgiveness.
2 comments:
Love the pages, Chris! And getting a little insight in the what unfolded for you around forgiveness is so fascinating. The interesting thing for me about forgiveness has been to come to a place where I let go of whatever I was carrying around the issue/ person/ experience which allows room for more love in my heart -- *while at the same time* not condoning the behavior that hurts others. It's been a tricky line to draw. My grandfather was such a bastard. In the end, with his dementia and all, I could see the person underneath the behavior. I don't condone the way he was abused growing up -- I don't condone the way he then tried to trespass that abuse on his children's and grandchild's generation -- the behavior is clearly not in the realm of love and peace. But the person underneath all that was just as much a victim to the hate as I was. The person was where the connection to forgiveness could come for me. Just for me personally... if that's worth anything :) xoxooxoxooxoxo
Kara...so much love. Its worth so much to me! I understand what you are saying... but you are right.. its a tricky line and very hard especially when the hurt is so deep. You know more about this than anyone...so you know where I am. I love that you share this with me!! xoxox
Post a Comment