Sacred Space

Finding my safe space, my sacred space. My safe space is the space in and surrounding my home. My sunroom provides me with warmth and a beautiful view of our chickens and the birds that come and visit. Artwork, dancing, reading and just hanging with the kids is what usually is happening in the sunroom. My yard provides me plenty of space to walk and just be, though usually Ellie is just being as well..as you can see. My gardens provide me a way to work through issues demanding labor. And there is a landing in my house that always has the afternoon sun, perfect for reading and just being. This is my safe space.

Finding Permissions

Taking a class with Mother Henna~Defining Permission, Giving myself permission to move through this latest health crisis, and mom leaving. Giving myself permission to find a new job, pursue a new dream. Giving myself permission to be pissed off, to be angry, to be hurt, to be happy , to be crazy, to dance like there's no tomorrow. Giving myself permission to just be who I am in the moment and nothing more. Giving myself permission to mess up my own artwork and make it into something completely different. Giving myself permission to just sit and breath.

Rendezvouz and I am through with you....

So far this year has not been any better than last year. I would almost venture to say it has been worse. Our family sat there on New Year's Eve with promises abounding of a great and wonderful year, and than I got sick. Not a cold or the flu, but a sickness that has me homebound..after way too many tests , doctor visits and countless trips to the hospital I have discovered that I have Crohn's.
Through all of the medical adventure, I had little emotional side trips.

~My job protected leave is coming to an end which is actually a blessing. This disease has reminded me to do what I want to do, life is far too short to do anything less.

~My mom has decided to pack up and move back to Pennsylvania which has been heartwrenching for everyone, especially Abby.. her grandmother was her best friend. There were tea parties, sleepovers, sewing sessions, craft time and the infamous ping pong. Abby is lost. My mom is choosing to go back to being alone. She does not have any family there. As a family, we tend to process . We learned this when Nora died. So we have been talking, screaming, talking, shouting, crying and just trying to sort through. We aren't there yet. We have a long way to go. This hurts and selfishly we thought when she moved out here a year and a half ago that she would stay... she would just live out the rest of her life here in Iowa. But she hated it. I don't know why. I thought everything was amazing, sharing holidays with her, gardening with her, sharing our life with her. The winter in Iowa brought her a loneliness from within that only she can fix. Sometimes I think she wants to be alone. She finds it very difficult to be a part of a family. So I need to let her go..Unfortunately her timing and leaving in a secretive manner did nothing to help my current health.

I have to find my way through this.. help the kids to understand and just move forward.

40 years....

Forty years.. somehow when I was young, I thought turning the big 4-0 would be different but it really wasn't. Still battling a demon that has gotten hold of me and making me sick, thus I am stuck at home. Decided that art was needed today.. did several pastel drawings and than did a background piece that somehow took on a life of its own.
Wanted to share. Enjoy.

Scribbles of Life

Recently, Mother Henna had a post on her blog about scribbling to self assess. It was the perfect time to start this exercise. I have been sick for almost two weeks now and really felt the need to do this. I sat down with my sketchbook and a charcoal pencil and closed my eyes. Just felt the paper and the pencil. At first there was so much anger flowing through my hand but as time moved on, I could feel my hand slowing down and moving to a slow rhythm. At some point , I felt done so I opened my eyes; tore the piece of paper out and turned it, twisted it and saw several shapes jump out of me. I took my color pastels and outlined three distinct shapes, the equilateral cross which is the symbol of our church, the heart , and the loop which looks like an 8. After , I took lots of different color pastels and just followed the lines. For a moment I was lost in the colors and the movement. I softened the colors , scanned it and then digitally enhanced the photo and the above is the result.
For me, this assessment revealed several things. The equilateral cross seems to be the most vivid which for me reveals that I am getting back to where I need to be spiritually, and possibly need to trust my faith more when it comes to my health. The loop represents the constant struggle.. I think its shows the good and bad side of my health and how I just keep going round and round. The heart is the love I have and the love I receive from others. When I digitally enhanced it, it turned into a rainbow of beautiful colors which reminds me of Nora.
I look forward to repeating this exercise tomorrow to see what the scribbling reveals.

Remembering what Christmas is all about...

Christmas has been on my mind lately. My husband had his hours cut so we knew Christmas would not be like last year. I have been very sad over this and just couldn't shake this awful feeling. As most know, the kids and I talk about everything. We discussed my feelings and Corey, the oldest, told me he doesn't want gifts this year. He never really liked the whole gift thing. Corey said the entire season is destroyed by this competition of gifts, who got the most, who got the most expensive. When it comes down to it, does anyone remember what Christmas is actually about. He said when you ask most kids they will tell you its gifts. He was actually glad that gifts couldn't be a part of the equation this year. Abby spoke up and kept saying she really only wanted us for Christmas, to play games, watch movies , just be a family.
I started thinking about this and they are right. Every year we spend money we don't really have , on gifts that we really don't need. There is definitely a sense of competition between parents, whether conscious or not. There is so much stress running to the store, getting up on Black Friday to the pushing and shoving of the season, and the guilt that drives the gift giving. I know in the past, more than once, I have said " does anyone really know the meaning of Christmas, does anyone have the spirit of the holidays?" I get so mad every year and by the time the holidays are here, I am annoyed. The morning of Christmas has lasted all of 10 minutes and than you are done. All that craziness for just a few minutes of material joy.
This year we are challenging ourselves to stop the madness. We don't have it so we aren't doing it. We sat down with the kids, who are 16 and 12, and discussed traditions, what they need for the holidays. Their answer: food, family and fun. Food because we carry on a Polish Tradition every year where we eat Borscht, albeit gluten free this year. We also bake a cake for Jesus and have every year. They requested that we light the house up this year , so we did manage to find lights on sale and will have the brightest spot in the cornfield. Fun is defined by them as playing games, drinking hot cocoa and driving to see the christmas lights, and definitely watching the classic christmas movies. The more I think about this, the more excited I get over the holidays. And I have never been excited over the holidays.
And for this I thank my children, who once again inspire me and teach me life lessons that make me a better person.

♥Dìa de los Muertos♥

Abby and I participated in Mother Henna's Day of the Dead Blog Fest and Artist Trade. We both had so much fun working on our pieces. Day of the Dead became a tradition for us when we lost our daughter/sister Nora.

Abby loved painting each of her pieces, and I loved using photography as my medium. We especially enjoyed sitting together, remembering our loved ones while we worked on our Day of the Dead pieces. Together our family set up Nora's ofrenda including Day of the Dead art that both kids have made throughout the years. We cannot wait to include our artist collaboration pieces from this event, everyone did such a beautiful job!!

Thank you to Mother Henna for having such a wonderful event for a very special day.

I encourage you to find out more on Day of the Dead and set up your own ofrenda. It is a very special way to honor and remember those who have gone before us.