Finding Permissions

Taking a class with Mother Henna~Defining Permission, Giving myself permission to move through this latest health crisis, and mom leaving. Giving myself permission to find a new job, pursue a new dream. Giving myself permission to be pissed off, to be angry, to be hurt, to be happy , to be crazy, to dance like there's no tomorrow. Giving myself permission to just be who I am in the moment and nothing more. Giving myself permission to mess up my own artwork and make it into something completely different. Giving myself permission to just sit and breath.

Rendezvouz and I am through with you....

So far this year has not been any better than last year. I would almost venture to say it has been worse. Our family sat there on New Year's Eve with promises abounding of a great and wonderful year, and than I got sick. Not a cold or the flu, but a sickness that has me homebound..after way too many tests , doctor visits and countless trips to the hospital I have discovered that I have Crohn's.
Through all of the medical adventure, I had little emotional side trips.

~My job protected leave is coming to an end which is actually a blessing. This disease has reminded me to do what I want to do, life is far too short to do anything less.

~My mom has decided to pack up and move back to Pennsylvania which has been heartwrenching for everyone, especially Abby.. her grandmother was her best friend. There were tea parties, sleepovers, sewing sessions, craft time and the infamous ping pong. Abby is lost. My mom is choosing to go back to being alone. She does not have any family there. As a family, we tend to process . We learned this when Nora died. So we have been talking, screaming, talking, shouting, crying and just trying to sort through. We aren't there yet. We have a long way to go. This hurts and selfishly we thought when she moved out here a year and a half ago that she would stay... she would just live out the rest of her life here in Iowa. But she hated it. I don't know why. I thought everything was amazing, sharing holidays with her, gardening with her, sharing our life with her. The winter in Iowa brought her a loneliness from within that only she can fix. Sometimes I think she wants to be alone. She finds it very difficult to be a part of a family. So I need to let her go..Unfortunately her timing and leaving in a secretive manner did nothing to help my current health.

I have to find my way through this.. help the kids to understand and just move forward.

40 years....

Forty years.. somehow when I was young, I thought turning the big 4-0 would be different but it really wasn't. Still battling a demon that has gotten hold of me and making me sick, thus I am stuck at home. Decided that art was needed today.. did several pastel drawings and than did a background piece that somehow took on a life of its own.
Wanted to share. Enjoy.

Scribbles of Life

Recently, Mother Henna had a post on her blog about scribbling to self assess. It was the perfect time to start this exercise. I have been sick for almost two weeks now and really felt the need to do this. I sat down with my sketchbook and a charcoal pencil and closed my eyes. Just felt the paper and the pencil. At first there was so much anger flowing through my hand but as time moved on, I could feel my hand slowing down and moving to a slow rhythm. At some point , I felt done so I opened my eyes; tore the piece of paper out and turned it, twisted it and saw several shapes jump out of me. I took my color pastels and outlined three distinct shapes, the equilateral cross which is the symbol of our church, the heart , and the loop which looks like an 8. After , I took lots of different color pastels and just followed the lines. For a moment I was lost in the colors and the movement. I softened the colors , scanned it and then digitally enhanced the photo and the above is the result.
For me, this assessment revealed several things. The equilateral cross seems to be the most vivid which for me reveals that I am getting back to where I need to be spiritually, and possibly need to trust my faith more when it comes to my health. The loop represents the constant struggle.. I think its shows the good and bad side of my health and how I just keep going round and round. The heart is the love I have and the love I receive from others. When I digitally enhanced it, it turned into a rainbow of beautiful colors which reminds me of Nora.
I look forward to repeating this exercise tomorrow to see what the scribbling reveals.

Remembering what Christmas is all about...

Christmas has been on my mind lately. My husband had his hours cut so we knew Christmas would not be like last year. I have been very sad over this and just couldn't shake this awful feeling. As most know, the kids and I talk about everything. We discussed my feelings and Corey, the oldest, told me he doesn't want gifts this year. He never really liked the whole gift thing. Corey said the entire season is destroyed by this competition of gifts, who got the most, who got the most expensive. When it comes down to it, does anyone remember what Christmas is actually about. He said when you ask most kids they will tell you its gifts. He was actually glad that gifts couldn't be a part of the equation this year. Abby spoke up and kept saying she really only wanted us for Christmas, to play games, watch movies , just be a family.
I started thinking about this and they are right. Every year we spend money we don't really have , on gifts that we really don't need. There is definitely a sense of competition between parents, whether conscious or not. There is so much stress running to the store, getting up on Black Friday to the pushing and shoving of the season, and the guilt that drives the gift giving. I know in the past, more than once, I have said " does anyone really know the meaning of Christmas, does anyone have the spirit of the holidays?" I get so mad every year and by the time the holidays are here, I am annoyed. The morning of Christmas has lasted all of 10 minutes and than you are done. All that craziness for just a few minutes of material joy.
This year we are challenging ourselves to stop the madness. We don't have it so we aren't doing it. We sat down with the kids, who are 16 and 12, and discussed traditions, what they need for the holidays. Their answer: food, family and fun. Food because we carry on a Polish Tradition every year where we eat Borscht, albeit gluten free this year. We also bake a cake for Jesus and have every year. They requested that we light the house up this year , so we did manage to find lights on sale and will have the brightest spot in the cornfield. Fun is defined by them as playing games, drinking hot cocoa and driving to see the christmas lights, and definitely watching the classic christmas movies. The more I think about this, the more excited I get over the holidays. And I have never been excited over the holidays.
And for this I thank my children, who once again inspire me and teach me life lessons that make me a better person.

♥Dìa de los Muertos♥

Abby and I participated in Mother Henna's Day of the Dead Blog Fest and Artist Trade. We both had so much fun working on our pieces. Day of the Dead became a tradition for us when we lost our daughter/sister Nora.

Abby loved painting each of her pieces, and I loved using photography as my medium. We especially enjoyed sitting together, remembering our loved ones while we worked on our Day of the Dead pieces. Together our family set up Nora's ofrenda including Day of the Dead art that both kids have made throughout the years. We cannot wait to include our artist collaboration pieces from this event, everyone did such a beautiful job!!

Thank you to Mother Henna for having such a wonderful event for a very special day.

I encourage you to find out more on Day of the Dead and set up your own ofrenda. It is a very special way to honor and remember those who have gone before us.

Remembering....

When we first lost Nora, we had a difficult time with friends and family. Mostly, they really didn't get it. Not all of them, my mother was my rock and still is. My sister-in-law, my parents-in-law, my best friends...we were blessed to have them in our life. We still are as they continue to remember with us, to hold our hand.

As a family, we have grown in our grief. Nora has been integrated into our every day life and grief has become a friend. Sometimes grief visits for awhile, sometime we do not see grief for a long time. We have learned as a family that what we do is normal. No one has the right to judge us, not even family. This has been a very painful discovery as those who do not understand continue to judge and say hurtful things. Sometimes walking away is the only option as one cannot continue to be needlessly hurt. We still love those who hurt us but we need to live our life as we see fit. This year has been a turning point, albeit a painful one.

Through this painful discovery, we have met some incredible and thoughtful people who are more than willing to step in, to show love, to be our family. I work with some amazing coworkers who really get it. Some are a member of the "club", some just have open minds. We are blessed to live and work in Iowa City, an incredibly diverse area of Iowa that have such amazing people. The dead are not forgotten but simply remembered and honored in so many ways.

One of these amazing customs is from Mexico, Dia de los Muertos or Day of the Dead. I was fortunate to learn about this early on in my grief journey. Seven years ago, I explained this day to my living children and they were so excited. We put up an ofrenda and have never missed this celebration. The children are both in junior high and high school now. This holiday is celebrated both in their school, with their friends and in our community. My friend at work is going to Mexico to celebrate Day of the Dead with his best friend. It has been wonderful to share how each of us takes this day and remembers those who are no longer with us.

As I step back this year and watch the festivities, I am reminded of how far we have come. Seven years ago when we put up our first ofrenda, we were very broken , we were afraid to share the holiday for fear of family ridiculing. Now, we aren't afraid. Our family has changed, and grown with the addition of friends who accept us and love us and celebrate with us.

This Day of the Dead will be a celebration as we completely immerse ourselves in the culture. Sugar Skulls will be made, the ofrenda will be bigger and more beautiful as we celebrate and remember those who are no longer with us. We will remember Nora, our daugher, who died in 2001. We will remember the twins we lost and the littlest angel we lost in 1996. We will remember all the babies lost to stillbirth, miscarriage, or infant death. We will remember my loving grandmother who died in 2007, my husbands grandparents and aunts and uncles. We will remember all of our grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends.. we will remember everyone as we celebrate Dia de los Muertos.